Abstract from the Love, Sex and Soulmates in the New Paradigm Talks. Edited for publication as an article:
Falling in Love
About our social program of love, and how romantic love affects our lives at an energetic and evolutionary level. Here we will explore how to increase the pros and remove the cons.
There are energies and programs around falling in love and we can see all the positive sides about it, because there are lots of positive sides about this, and we are going to be able to have a look at them and structure them. We can also look at the negative sides around falling in love, and how we can process those, because they are all energy packages, they are all programs.
Even the words, ‘falling in love’, talk about a fall, “The fall”.
You fall in love.
When you fall in love, the person’s awareness field shrinks into a tiny little space, so it’s a falling in awareness, they can’t think of much except the other person, often they can’t eat or sleep very well, they’re in a state of euphoria or fear, depending whether the other person is also in love with them or not, and they can’t really do things very well.
They say ‘love is blind’ too, so there is another saying that really embodies what is happening here.
The person will not see the faults in the other or will quickly forget them or disregard them.
And we also have the honeymoon period, the time, space -it sometimes can last up to two years- that the person doesn’t see the dirty socks on the floor, or doesn’t see the farting or the burping or the constant talking or really that the other person has absolutely nothing in common with them. Because they are in love, so they don’t see anything else, they just see “Oh my gosh! I love this person, this person loves me, I want to be with them all the time, I love their energy, I want to be in their energy”. And all that type of thing, the physical effects of course, apart from not sleeping, can be very much a sense of a physical satisfaction.
Basically when we are in that state there are various programs that kick in, one of them is the thought of, starting a family, and it doesn’t really matter whether you are heterosexual, homosexual, or asexual, everybody will, all of a sudden, if they meet somebody that they want to spend time with, even if there is no sex involved, all of a sudden, lets adopt a child, or they start getting people into the house, or pets. They start getting lots and lots of pets, or even just one pet and it’s “their baby”.
It’s like that, “ok we are safe now, we can start this”, and that’s also a program.
The falling in love and the romance behind love is quite recent in human history.
It was first registered by a sociologist, or the historians, that on the mythical, Greek and Roman stories, they would have stories about Gods and Goddesses falling in love with humans, and we can really go into that as a completely different subject here! But we won’t go in there.
It was very unknown or not really part of the human construct.
During the industrial revolution there were lots of novels written about romance and falling in love and everything, and that’s when it really started to kind of impregnate the societal program around falling in love and mating and being a partner for life type thing; because before that yes, I mean people would fall in love but it wasn’t necessarily what made them marry each other and have babies and create that whole structure.
Marriage was very much to do with alliances, survival, and all that type of thing. And we’re going to go into that as well later in the course.
So what I’d like us to do right now, -this is the first exercise and I hope you have a pen and a paper, or you can open a little notepad in your computer, if you are listening through your computer- we are going to do a list.
So we are going to make a list about what we relate to our belief system or what we think it means ‘to fall in love’.
So first of all, “do I want to fall in love? Yes/No”
And, “do I want the other person to love me back? Yes/No”
So we are going to write those down.
Then, “what does that mean exactly?”
I’m going to say a few words to get you started okay?
Does being in love/falling in love have anything to do with belonging?
You belong to the other person, your heart belongs to the other person.
The other person belongs to you.
The other person’s heart belongs to you.
So you can write those down and just start looking at those energy constructs yes?
Owning and belonging.
Does your body? So we move from the heart to the body.
Does your physical body belong to the other person?
And, does the other person’s physical body belong to you?
So this is just one item we are going to be looking at, have a look at those energies.
And how these translate into, “we are going to own a home together”, “we are going to own a car together”.
Do you see how it veers off and goes into the social structures there?
Another program that you might want to look at, another energy that might be there, is the safety.
The program that says, “with this person I am safe”.
Or sometimes it’s the opposite, “with this person I am not safe”.
“Is this person safe with me?”
“Is this person not safe with me?”
And here we go and look at the energies of fear how those can be all intertwined with falling in love and being in love. Sometimes the euphoric energy is because for the first time in our lives we feel safe. We feel safe with somebody else, we are able to be ourselves without any danger of attack.
You know if you start getting charges, emotional charge around it make or put a little star around the word, and you are going to go back and have a look at these. Process all the energies around all the charges that come up, these are programs that are being triggered.
Now the next thing about falling in love is very related to safety but it’s actually slightly different, and it’s security. So do you feel that once you find the one, or when you’re living with that person that you really want to build a soulmate relationship with or you want to look at and see, what are the energies behind this security?
Security in building something. Security in building a relationship with this person.
Which also then translates very, very easily into the security of going forth in life.
Moving away from your nuclear family into the new, starting your own family, even if it’s just a couple.
You get more security to buy a house, you have more security to go out into the workforce.
Have a look at security, the security to start something.
See these are things that normally we wouldn’t think would be related to falling in love, but they have all kind of intertwined with each other.
Another one is comfort.
You are with somebody because it provides you comfort.
It’s like a very physical type of comfort, but also emotional.
When we imagine, or we look at, or we’re working in a relationship that’s already there, we think about comfort a lot, we think, you know, I’d like to be able to come home or be home and be in a situation that’s supportive, comfortable. You don’t want to come in and have arguments, those are very uncomfortable.
And then we go into things like company.
Often individuals will get into inappropriate relationships and really fall in love with individuals who are really not compatible, because they are wanting company. They want somebody to do things with, to go to the cinema, have hobbies, have a farm with.
There can be all sorts of things.
Or just hang out with and just, you know? Have really deep conversations with, somebody who gets them.
And of course, there’s the physical company.
Being hugged, being kissed, being made love to and with, at a physical level, our bodies, our physical bodies are in deep need of physical contact, they need to be touched, they need to be kissed. That’s a human program.
We don’t live in isolation, when we do, we have emotional problems, often as a physical body we have problems, yes?
And society has taught us that as adults we can only hug and kiss individuals who we are sexually involved with.
In other societies individuals will, upon meeting with strangers, kiss them on the cheek, once or twice.
In some cultures they even kiss each other on the mouth, even men.
And even there, you get to have that contact. When you meet people you know, you shake hands, kiss, hug.
Physical bodies need and love to be touched.
And often we will get pets because then, they go on our laps. And dogs in particular are so loving.
Physical contact, that’s physical company.
And often when we fall in love, we’re looking for nurturing, to be looked after.
Someone who cares.
The whole romantic thing, we think about the man who brings flowers and writes poems; we think of the woman who will do all sorts of different things.
Immediately the focus changes, you know I don’t know if you noticed the focus changing there, between what the man would do for romance and the different things the woman would do for romance.
And that very much brings in the belief system of what romance is, which is actually a creation.
But it all comes down to one thing. It comes down to nurturing.
That person cares about me, they did something special, just because.
Just because they exist.
So these programs are all intertwined with falling in love.
And at the same time when we do fall in love, we’re blind!
Because love is blind, right?
We can’t see any of the other things.
Like, “Oh well, you know, this person doesn’t really spend much time with me”.
“They have no interest in what I have interest in, she doesn’t build cars”.
“After a period of time, I will go back to my mates and start building cars, and you know, she will be there, she will have my dinner ready when I get home”.
These things start happening. And when do they happen?
It’s when – another saying that everybody knows – the honeymoon period is over.
There’s a period of time that on average is two years – and often marriages only last two years these days- which is the honeymoon period.
And the being in love period.
If the couple don’t graduate into, from falling in love to loving each other, or being in love to loving each other, there is a shift in energy, if they don’t make the shift, often what will happen is that they will have a really unhappy and uncomfortable marriage after the two years are up, or they will divorce.
And let’s have a look at that difference. Let’s have a look at the difference between falling in love, being in love and loving each other, it’s actually quite significant, something quite important.
Falling in love, again, is when our awareness field becomes extremely small, so we can’t see.
Love is blind. The honeymoon period, everything is sweet.
Thus being in love, and falling in love.
Because you are in a field and a field is a construct. You are IN love, you have fallen INTO love.
After the two years, and sometimes this happens right away, you love each other, what does that mean? It means that you are love, and you are expressing love, you are coming from a space or location of love.
I’m going to talk about one that’s being really bombarded on to society.
Falling in love means being saved!
And this one has come in through lots and lots of fairy tales, movies, novels.
The image of being saved and also the image of the savior. So you have for example, Cinderella. She was in a really bad situation there, until the prince, the savior came in and recognized her, saw her, “I see you”, and she became the princess, she was saved.
We can think of Snow White, again the same story, she was in a bad place with the evil stepmother: another female had poisoned her and put her to sleep. And it was Prince Charming I think wasn’t it? Who came in and kissed her, and his kiss woke her up, she was saved, and awakened.
So these programs have been coming in, one of the things that we investigated, when I was in university; because when I went to university I studied communication and some individuals there had put together a course that was very comprehensive and one of them was about fairytales. And there was another disagreement. For you who have read the article on the sociolinguistics class and if you haven’t read it then I am going to give you a little summary afterwards.
But there was another class and we were talking about fairytales, and we talked about all these fairytales where this female is in dire straits, the dragon has her or she’s been poisoned by another woman or, she’s being abused physically and psychologically by three women, do you see the pattern here?
And then a man comes along and saves her.
And they were saying, the lecturer was saying, well this is all about the man, the person, the individual, this individual, it’s not about men and women or social structures, it’s about the individual, the individual is in a bad place and their higher self has to come in and save them, wake them up.
But they were ignoring something very, very in-your-face; these stories are being told to children from the time they are born. These stories are being read to them.
They are being programmed into them, if you are a boy you have to be out there saving girls, yes? It’s not about the individual at all.
And if you are a girl you have to just be passive, hope for the best.
Often when you take action on things everything goes wrong. You’re fooled, you know you’re fooled into eating an apple, twelve o’clock comes and all your makeup comes off, you are stuck in a tower and you can’t get out.
So the woman, the female is helpless and hopeless, and quite incapable. And it’s the male essence that comes in, always empowered, I mean we don’t know, we don’t hear how he became that powerful, he was just born that way, and saves her.
And we are reading these stories to our children you know and we were brought up with these stories, they’re programs.
Let’s have a look at religious structures.
Most of the religious icons, or Gods in the present day, are male. Or leaders right? Founders, male.
So we have Jesus, we have Buddha, we have Allah.
And females don’t come in, and if they come in they come in very passive, submissive.
The link between “pain” and “falling in love”.
Very, very interconnected. We have, again, lots of stories in our repertoire. Romeo and Juliet, pain.
And the pain that comes when the blinkers come off. All of the sudden the other person will hurt you, or you will hurt the other. Hurt and pain. And often, when a person is falling in love, it is physically and emotionally painful.
Why is it? Because it is a fall in awareness, it is a fall in vibration. And we think, “oh my goodness, how can falling in love be a fall in vibration when love is everything, we are love”.
But you see, falling in love and the whole concept of two people being in love, is a different vibration and I am going to talk about the link between that one and Universal love, and why we call it the same thing. But a fall in vibration is always painful.
And one of the reasons why it is painful is because we have all those programs attached to it. Like belonging, owning, attachment. Lots and lots of attachment.
And there we have the program of “giving away our power” that has been really, really used by religions.
We love Jesus, we love the Virgin Mary. Those are the ones I can say because those are the ones I am familiar with.
We love the Guru, we love the cult leader, and a lot of the time it is very similar to falling in love. That feeling of falling in love. And because love is blind, that’s when all the other stuff can come in. “Well, if you love Jesus you will do this, and you know Jesus said that”, but if you did a bit of research you would find out he didn’t say that.
The link between falling in love and playing a game.
We get bored on this planet often. An individual, a divine being, and eternal being, will get bored and needs games. And all of life really, I see all of life as a game. Everything we do in it is a game. There’s players, there’s a game board, and there’s the game, and different games co-exist as well. And falling in love can be that.
I had a friend who, as a young woman, she said, the only thing she likes about love is “falling in love”. And what she likes most about falling in love, is making the man fall in love with her. And she used the words, “making the man fall in love with her”.
And she said to me, “I don’t care who the man is. Whether he’s married or anything. If I want to, I can make him fall in love with me. I will do it.”
I said, “and then what happens?”
And she said, “well, once he’s in love with me, I lose interest.”
That was her game. She just wanted someone to fall in love with her. That’s the game she was playing.
People don’t realize it but the game can be, “I want to fall in love”, “I want to be in love”. That can be the game.
The lack of self love. This is a key for the whole concept of falling in love to work.
The illusion of lack of love.
We are going full circle now, to “the fall”.
What does “the fall” mean. If we look at historical stories or records about the fall, in Western society we can think about the fall of Satan. He fell, that was a fall. We also think about Eve. One of the things I read on the internet that I thought was hilarious is, “did Eve fall or was she pushed?”
The fall is all related to the illusion of lack of love. The illusion that we are not love.
And here we go to the real urge behind falling in love. Let’s have a look at this program.
We are in a state at a collective level that we are separate from each other. And also, we are separate from Source. Those two programs are very powerful and very necessary to have a dual experience of light/dark, very necessary. If you don’t have that illusion of separation, you cannot experience light/dark.
As soon as the person becomes, is able to see that they are, light/love. Then all the programs around falling in love and being in love fall away. They’re no longer there. They are light/love.
They are Source.
And the urge, that huge urge to meet that special somebody and fall in love and be in love, that urge is the misinterpretation, or the program that we were programmed with as children, and growing up on the TV, movies, everywhere, novels, the program that says: “this is the only way you can merge”. The merging, the becoming complete, when you hear these words related to love, romantic love and falling in love all the time, “I am now complete”, “my other half”, “I am one with”, “I have merged with”.
And it is true, it’s not a falsehood, it happens.
But it’s the desire, ultimately, it’s never satisfactory because the desire, the real desire is to merge with Source, to be complete, to be who and what we really are; to break away the illusions of separation. That is what this whole structure we’re stepping into is.
And at a physical level, and at a 3d level, sometimes the only way to have a taste of that wholeness and completeness is to merge with one individual. Physically, emotionally, mentally, and energetically.
And of course if you are asexual and you don’t have any interest in sexual contact with another person, either male or female. But you still have the other, you see, you still have that program that says the only way you can have this, this merging, this being complete is if you mate with somebody else, you partner up with somebody else.
And of course, you know, the majority of the population is either heterosexual or homosexual, an asexual person has very little choices with regards to whom they feel that connection with.
And they will be in a relationship that requires them to have sexual intercourse when they don’t really want to.
Yes the hugs and kisses, often. They put up with it.
In a not so far away time in linear time, and even nowadays in many societies if you are homosexual, you couldn’t have that merging with somebody of your choice because the sex part was tied into it.
So what is the difference between falling in love, and love/light?
The words that we use like, love light, joy/love/light, to explain the energy of Source, to explain the energy of what we are, the essence, when everything else falls away, what’s left behind?
Joy, light, love. That’s it.
The difference, we use those words because we don’t have any better words but really they are like a shadow, like a tiny little thing. Compared to the real energy that is our essence which we often call Source or externalize and call the Great Spirit, God, Goddess.
But it’s us.
One of the words that we can describe to see the difference is “unconditional”.
Now let’s have a look at unconditional in relationship to falling in love.
Unconditional, if you were in love with somebody, would you unconditionally be happy to let them go so they can be happy somewhere else, with somebody else?
No, that would hurt. You have conditions around falling in love, depending on your culture and the way you were brought up.
For us in the West the conditions are, faithfulness, the conditions are, exclusivity, the conditions are, we are going to be living together, we’re going to belong to each other.
All these conditions, it’s way, way far away from unconditional love.
Often a relationship that lasts and evolves into something more could be unconditional.
But society makes it extremely difficult to have a relationship of unconditional love.
Fear comes in right away. Because if you think unconditional it means, “that person is going to hurt me” immediately. That person is going to go off and be with somebody else, and that’s painful.
Conditional means that you need to be physically with that person, that’s conditional.
Unconditional doesn’t need to, you have no need.
And this is one of the key words again, so one of them will be unconditional.
The other one is Need.
For as long as you have a need in any of these programs, you are playing the game.
So one of the homework will be to look at these programs and say ok, do I have a need for this? And why do I need it?
And why are we looking at these programs?
Because most of the time we’re moving through life with these programs at an unconscious level.
And when we work from an unconscious level we fall into all sorts of bad situations and traps. As soon as we become aware of them and conscious, we have a choice, we have a choice, it doesn’t mean, ok so now I’m aware that when I think about falling in love what I’m talking really about is belonging to somebody or somebody belongs to me, so that’s bad, so I have to process that away. No, it’s not about that, it’s about acknowledging and recognizing, “I want to be with somebody who I belong to and I own and I consciously make that decision,” because it comes from a conscious decision, you know what you’re getting into.
And then when jealousy pops up, because there’s a fear of loss, you know where that’s coming from.
Often people say, jealousy comes from insecurity, feeling afraid, so that’s their security aspect, safety aspect, the person feels insecure that the beautiful woman they have fallen in love with and adore and worship is going to meet somebody if she starts going to college for example, or she gets a new job, she’s going to meet and fall in love with the boss, it’s always the boss for a woman, right? She’s going to fall in love with the boss and leave me.
And for the woman, “oh, he’s got a new secretary and she’s very pretty, he’s going to fall in love with her” it’s never the boss for the man. Although nowadays that has, you know, it’s coming in to the social structures of jealousy and insecurities.
All these programs that came in about romance, and uniqueness and falling in love that were made priorities in the relationships of marriages and alliances during the industrial revolution came about because there was a need for the female to be faithful seeing as the societal structure left all the property of the man, including the woman (as the woman was the property too) to the children of the man, so the man had to make sure that all the children that woman had were his, genetically speaking. Survival.
That’s one of the areas where these programs and the reason why these programs were put in place.
For the woman they had all sorts of laws, she couldn’t have a bank account, she couldn’t work as soon as she got married so she had to leave her job, she couldn’t go to university, she couldn’t empower herself. She couldn’t even vote.
So for her security it meant keeping that man. Divorce was a disaster. She would be shunned forever, so she had to put up with everything. And make sure that he didn’t divorce her, so that yes, any women who he might go off with were enemies.
Falling in love is filled with these programs.
When you are sitting in contemplation, or meditation, after you do your meditation or contemplation.
Remind yourself, sometimes it’s good to have a little piece of paper next to you that you can read afterwards so you don’t have to remember through your meditation to do this at the end.
And have a look and say to yourself, “My intent is to uncover all the programs around falling in love and being in love”, because this is today’s topic.
We are going to cover all sorts of different topics in the next few days [this pertains to the days during which this course was recorded and those topics can be read and/or listened to in the full course].
But today’s topic is about falling in love and being in love, so any type of program, it might even be, “That person doesn’t even exist”. Or, “Those people, those individuals whom I can have an unconditional loving relationship with, do not exist.”
And all the other programs that we talked about earlier as well, have a look at the intent and really have a look and examine in your physical body. The programs in your physical body, very important, very, very important. A lot of them are just physical body programs.
In your soul level programs. Those are ones that belong to you, again the sense of separation and all that stuff.
Have a look at the programs there, again, the intent to uncover them.
Belonging, owning, attachment of any sort, the need to merge physically, energetically, emotionally, at a soul level with another. Safety, yes? Security, comfort, company, nurturing, the intent to look at being in love, falling in love, loving and being joy, love, light.
Have a look at and see what programs might be running, from a social point of view, in your field.
You know like the ones from fairy tales, the ones from religion, the ones from the romantic era, yes? Novels, movies, that type of thing.
So yes, have a look at those, and have a look at them for the next 21 days, just sit with the intention of uncovering and seeing, and then being able to process, keep a journal.
The abstract above came from the Love, Sex and Soulmates in the New Paradigm Talks by Inelia Benz