Our human species is all about relationships.
What are these relationships? The relationship we personally have with ourselves, the one we have with our environment, and the relationships we have with every single person who touches our life.
Some of those relationships are nurturing. The nurturing relationships positively influence us, put us in a state of joy, and we usually talk or think about those individuals in highly positive words.
Other relationships are toxic. Toxic relationships poison us, put us in a negative state of mind or emotion. We usually talk or think about these individuals in negative words. Or we find ourselves making an awful lot of excuses for them, or validating their actions with “understanding” where they are or they came from. These poisonous relationships will usually bring a lot of drama, whether directly or indirectly, into our lives.
By making a simple two sided list, and putting everyone we have a relationship with in it on one side or the other, whether at work, home, social groups, online, or school, etc., we can start having some clarity on the patterns we are falling into. Obviously some people won’t fit in either or will fit in both 😉 Remember, this is just an exercise where we put the “main” energy we detect or share with the person recently. It may have been radically different a year ago, or it might be very varied, changing all the time.
At this point, if there are people in the poisonous side of the paper, it’s important NOT to fall into judgment or guilt ourselves, for having these relationships, or the people we are playing these low level games with. This little exercise is not about judgment, or even action. It is about becoming conscious and aware of what is happening in our lives.
Of course, sometimes action becomes very clear, and we go ahead and do something about it. We make a schedule to spend more time with the individuals in the nurturing side of the list, and less with those on the poisonous side of the list.
And here is where it can get a little bit complicated. Often we believe that there is nothing we can do about certain relationships, that we can’t change them, or move away from them, or have more of them. This is because when we have a relationship it’s not always clear why we stick around in it.
So look at your list again, and mark down those people whom you have either chosen to keep having a relationship with, or feel you cannot end the relationship with.
Next to their name, place the following words, depending on what category they fall into:
Joy: this is where you want to keep a relationship because you have an enormous amount of fun and joy when you hang out with this person. Afterward you feel inspired, satisfied, happy and energized.
Project: this is a relationship you have because you feel you are a positive influence on the other person, or the other person has a positive influence on you. Often it will come down to a feeling that you want to help the person change or better themselves, or that they are changing or think they are making you better themselves.
Duty: this is where you put the people whom you feel you cannot stop having a relationship with. It could be that you are married to them, work with them, they are an underage son or daughter that you are responsible for, a parent you are responsible for… in other words, people that you believe you cannot stop interacting with.
Again, this second set of categorizations is not necessarily to do something different with the individuals, but simply to get to know why you are hanging out and interacting with another human being. If you fall into judgment or guilt yourself, or judge them or make them guilty, process that before you continue with the next bit.
Are there major patterns here?
If, for example, all the women in your life are co-dependent, dramatic and addicts, then there is a definite pattern you need to address because the majority of the women on the planet are independent, joyful and free of addictions.
Or, for example, all the men in your life are absent, control freak, aggressive workaholics, then there is a pattern there to look at because most men on the planet are independent, joyful and free of addictions.
If, when you read the words, “most women/men on the planet are independent, joyful and free of addictions”, you think to yourself, “I never met one”, then there is definitely a reality filter happening that you need to address. The reason is that the only common denominator among all those men or those women whom have very similar patterns and personalities, is you. If YOU are different to the group that appears to be all the same, it’s not because of your gender, age or demographic. It is because you are simply different to the people you are able to see. We only see what we think is real, if something is not real to us, we don’t see it.
Another really good question to ask ourselves is: “Am I required to put on a mask to interact with this person?” But that’s a full article in and of itself. Still, it is a way in which we can see how genuine and visible we are to others ourselves.
By becoming aware of the patterns and type of individuals in our lives, we can then make conscious choices on how to proceed with those relationships.
You are the common denominator of all your relationships. Therefore, you have absolute power to change, clarify, engage, encourage, remove or nurture them. Cool huh?
For a further exploration of romantic and sexual relationships, take the Sex, Love and Soulmates in the New Paradigm Course.